Europa sieht ja aus wie Marge Simpson!

PEOPLE who find their neighbours tiresome can move to another  neighbourhood, whereas countries can’t. But suppose they could.  Rejigging the map of Europe would make life more logical and friendlier.

Britain, which after its general election will have to confront its  dire public finances, should move closer to the southern-European  countries that find themselves in a similar position. It could be towed  to a new position near the Azores. (If the journey proves a bumpy one,  it might be a good opportunity to make Wales and Scotland into separate  islands).

In Britain’s place should come Poland, which has suffered quite  enough in its location between Russia and Germany and deserves a chance  to enjoy the bracing winds of the North Atlantic and the security of sea  water between it and any potential invaders.

Belgium’s incomprehensible Flemish-French language squabbles (which  have just brought down a government) are redolent of central Europe at  its worst, especially the nonsenses Slovakia thinks up for its  Hungarian-speaking ethnic minority. So Belgium should swap places with  the Czech Republic. The stolid, well-organised Czechs would get on  splendidly with their new Dutch neighbours, and vice versa.

Belarus, currently landlocked and trying to wriggle out from under  Russia’s thumb, would benefit greatly from exposure to the Nordic  region, whose influence played a big role in helping the Baltics shed  their Soviet legacy. So it should move northwards to the Baltic, taking  the place of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. These three countries should  move to a new location somewhere near Ireland. Like the Emerald Isle,  they have bitten the bullet of “internal devaluation”, regaining  competitiveness by cutting wages and prices, rather than taking the easy  option of depreciating the currency, or borrowing recklessly as Greece  has. The Baltics would also be glad to be farther away from Russia and  closer to America. Amid the other moves, Kaliningrad could shift up the  coast towards Russia, ending its anomalous status as a legacy exclave of  the second world war and removing any possibility of future Russian  mischief-making about rail transit.

Into the slots vacated by Poland and Belarus should come the western  and central parts of Ukraine. Germany, with the Ukrainian border now  only 100km from Berlin, would start having to take the country’s  European integration seriously. The Ukrainian shift would allow Russia  to move west and south too, thus vacating Siberia for the Chinese, who  will take it sooner or later anyway.

Next comes some reordering of the Balkans. Macedonia, Albania and  Kosovo should rotate places, with Macedonia taking Kosovo’s place next  to Serbia, Kosovo moving to Albania’s slot on the coast, and Albania  shifting inland. Paranoid  Greek fantasies about territorial claims from the deluded Slav  irredentists from the north would evaporate. Bosnia is too fragile to  move and will have to stay where it is.

Switzerland and Sweden are often confused. So it would make sense to  move Switzerland north, where it would fit neatly into the Nordic  countries. Its neutrality would go down well with the Finns and Swedes;  Norway would be glad to have another non-EU country next door.

Germany can stay where it is, as can France. But Austria could shift  westwards into Switzerland’s place, making room for Slovenia and Croatia  to move north-west too.*  They could join northern Italy in a new regional alliance (ideally it  would run by a Doge, from Venice). The rest of Italy, from Rome  downwards, would separate and join with Sicily to form a new country,  officially called the Kingdom of Two Sicilies (but nicknamed Bordello).  It could form a currency union with Greece, but nobody else.

www.economist.com/world/europe/displayStory.cfm